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  Medicine - the best laughter

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A New Disease
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
George Carlin

A Brief History Of Medicine:
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Inner Peace
I think I've found inner peace. My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.
Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniels and a small box of chocolate candy.
I feel better already.

Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.
Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further,
chocolate candy bars also contain milk,
which is dairy.
So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries,
orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit,
so eat as many as you want.
Remember - - -
"STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

Send this to four women and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.
(If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.)
"That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner.

Pregnancy Differences

Your Clothes
- 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
- 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
- 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favourites.
- 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
- 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
- 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
- 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
- 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
- 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
- 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
- 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

- 1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby.
- 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
- 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

- 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
- 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
- 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
- 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
- 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
- 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
- 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
- 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
- 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.


Actual Documentations Found in Patient Records
From Nursing Guide Erika Lowndes

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Quotes from accident reports submitted to various insurance companies:

* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

* I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

* The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

* In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

* I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.

* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

* The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.

* I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for vacation with injuries.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

These comments come from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students and compiled at the NEA Life Sciences Symposium, Kansas City, Kansas.
As the originator noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

The Top 10 Reasons to Not Believe All Experts.

1. "What can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives traveling twice as fast as stagecoaches?"
--The Quarterly Review, England, March 1825

2. "The abolishment of pain in surgery is a chimera. It is absurd to go on seeking it....Knife and pain are two words in surgery that must forever be associated in the consciousness of the patient."
--Dr. Alfred Velpeau, 1839, French surgeon

3. "Men might as well project a voyage to the Moon as attempt to employ steam navigation against the stormy North Atlantic Ocean."
--Dr. Dionysus Lardner, 1838, Professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy, University College, London

4. "[W]hen the Paris Exhibition closes electric light will close with it and no more be heard of."
--Erasmus Wilson, 1878, Professor at Oxford University

5. "Well informed people know it is impossible to transmit the voice over wires and that were it possible to do so, the thing would be of no practical value."
--Editorial in the Boston Post, 1865

6. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, 1895, British mathematician and physicist

7. "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially I consider it an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little dreaming."
--Lee DeForest, 1926, American radio pioneer

8. "There is not the slightest indication that [nuclear energy] will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will."
--Albert Einstein, 1932

9. "Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 19,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, March 1949

10. "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

From the 'Experts Speak: The Definitive Compendium of Authoritative Misinformation,' by Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky.

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