Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
For years it has been believed that electric light bulbs emitted light.
However recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.
Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark.
Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.
The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson,
proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light,
and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.
There is less dark right next to them then there is elsewhere.
The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the
ones in this room.
As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever.
Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven
by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker.
A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use,
the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.
If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle,
the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark
flowing into the candle.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't
handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a storage unit.
When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker,
friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to
touch an operating dark sucker. Dark is also heavier than light.
If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets darker and darker.
When you reach a depth of about fifty feet, you are in total darkness.
This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the
lake and the lighter light floats to the top.
The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage.
We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of
lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and
help push it to the ocean where it is safely stored.
Prior to turbines it was very difficult to get dark from the
rivers and lakes to the oceans. The Indians recognized this problem
and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the
same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as
not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,
they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.
If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed,
dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the
light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you
would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our
lives easier. So next time you look at an electric bulb remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards
kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year,
when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the letter " f ".
This will make words like " fotograf " 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan
be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated shanges are
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes
of the silent "e"s in the languag is drisgrasful, and they should go away.
By the 4th year, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar shanges vud of kors be aplied to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ish ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
This page last updated: 14-Mar-2015