BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that humor in general and especially
in medicine can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at
ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable.
If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize.
Many were sent by our friends, some were passed along via
email and others spotted on other websites. As with most jokes,
the original authors are unknown - but we thank them.
If you have something to contribute - please send in.
"A smile is a curve that can straighten out a lot of problems."
"Wherever you go - there you are"
"There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened."
"Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanted to be important."
T. S. Eliot
"When we talk nonsense with
enough conviction, we can begin to make it seem legitimate."
"A popular song is one that
makes us all think we can sing."
"To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it."
"The definition of an accountant:
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand."
"For every problem, there is one solution
which is simple, neat, and wrong."
H. L. Mencken
"The key to success? Work hard, stay focused and marry a Kennedy."
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"A man always has two
reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason"
J. P. Morgan
"Mankind differs from the animals only by a little, and most people throw that away."
"One of the best reducing
exercises is walking, especially right past the refrigerator."
"Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again."
"Spare no expense to save money on this one."
"Most persons would succeed in small things if they were not troubled with great ambitions."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"The reason history repeats itself is that most people weren't
listening the first time."
"When people are free to do
as they please, they usually imitate each other."
"The biggest thing college
prepares the young people for is the knowledge of how to be broke"
"What this country needs is
a car that can go no faster then its driver can think"
"Since a politician never
believes what he says, he is always surprised when others believe him."
Charles de Gaulle
"Even though I believe we should promote
Chinese medicine, I personally do not believe in it. I don't take Chinese
Chairman Mao Tse-Tung
"Cauliflower is nothing but
cabbage with college education."
"An expert is someone called
in at the last minute to share the blame."
"I am now at the age where I
have got to prove that I am just as good as I never was"
"The one who complains the
loudest is generally he who contributes the least."
"The nice thing about standards is
that there are so many of them to choose from."
Andrew S. Tanenbaum
"We must believe in
luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?"
"Adult education is
something that will continue as long as kids have homework."
"A father is a man who carries family photos where his money used to be."
"The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any."
"Some people's opinions are like concrete - all mixed up and permanently set."
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."
"Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies."
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them"
Harry S Truman
"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
G. K. Chesterton
"If I have learned one thing
in this life, it is that God will not tie my shoes without me"
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
"Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself."
"I never desire to converse
with a man who has written more than he has read."
"The rudeness is a weak
man's imitation of strength."
"I'm not overweight. I'm
just nine inches too short."
"To get your children's
attention, sit in an easy chair and look comfortable."
"Politicians are the
same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no
"I have too much
respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd
"Anyone can do any
amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the
"The person who says it
cannot be done should not interrupt the person
who is doing it."
"Criminal: A person with
predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation."
"Computers make it
easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do
don't need to be done."
"Lying increases the
creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social
Clare Booth Luce
"Personally I'm always
ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught."
Sir Winston Churchill
"Trouble is a part of your
life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a
chance to love you enough."
"It isn't the mountain ahead
that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe."
"It has been my experience
that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
"Inspiration exists, but it
has to find you working."
"What I am doing today is
important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it."
This page last updated: 14-Mar-2015